7.4 The good is the enemy of the great

Do you know this saying…

The good keeps us from the great.

Or the more intense version…

The good is the enemy of the great.

Maybe your life is filled with good things, and what’s not to love about that, except maybe they keep you so busy that you never stop to think about and find and decide to go for that one thing that would make your life great.

In other words, you’re settling, but it doesn’t look like that or feel like that, so it’s hard to catch.

In contrast to what’s good…

Great is what takes your breath away.

Or…

What gives you your deepest sense of peace.

It might sound like this…

When I finally found my true calling, there was a sweet, energizing resonance in me like when you tap a Tibetan brass meditation bowl.

Or…

I’ve never felt so unfamiliar to myself—and so much at home.

But the concept of great comes with this warning…

Pursuing what’s great is a very serious choice.

Because if you’re going to say the big yes, the great yes, then you’re going to have to say a lot of noes. Including very big noes.

And what will you be saying no to? How easy it would be if all you had to do was say no to bad things. But it doesn’t work like that…

You have to say no to good things.

Maybe very good things. Things you wish with all your heart you could say yes to. But you can’t because the great thing requires your full commitment.

So going after what’s great for you will likely be a serious challenge. It might even be wrenching at first. And not everyone will necessarily understand the noes you say. Because you might be saying no, not just to good things, but to good people. Really good people…

Kori:  I’m leaving here.

Rich:  You’ve made the decision?

Kori:  Yes, and I’m torn apart.

Rich:  Because?

Kori:  This is where I’ve grown up as a leader. They’ve given me really important opportunities and constant support. Five years, and I’ve grown very fond of the people here. I’m so attached to them, I can’t imagine leaving. But I have to go.

Rich:  And why?

Kori:  Because I’ve started growing apart from them. I look at the trajectory I’m on and I can see our paths are going diverge even more. You know, there are consequences to self-development work.

Rich:  Yes, there are.

Kori:  What I know about myself is that I have to make a bigger difference tomorrow than I’m making today. I need to do that. I need that steady forward motion.

Rich:  And the split is?

Kori:  Everyone else here is satisfied. They’re not hungry like me. They do good work, really good work. But I can see how our work could be great. I’ve had talks with different staff about their ambitions and my ambitions, and on that one point alone there’s a mismatch. I so wish there weren’t. My first choice would be to stay here and for all of us to go soaring together.

Rich:  But you feel sure that’s not going to happen?

Kori:  That’s right. I’ve explored it. Right up to the point where I started to annoy people. They’re clear about their choice.

Rich:  And what do you think about their choice?

Kori:  I think it’s right for them. I mean they’re solidly in the sustainable zone, and it works for them, and they’re genuinely happy, and they don’t feel called to more, and they do good work, and the world needs good work so badly, so hooray, except…

Rich:  You’re feeling…

Kori:  Sadness, so much sadness.

Rich:  And what if you did stay?

Kori:  I know what would happen. I wouldn’t get what I need and I’d start resenting them. And they matter too much to me to let that happen.

And if I stayed here, restless and tugging, they’d resent me. Even if I never said another word about what I wanted, they know me well enough, they’d be able to read me. And they’d feel bad for not giving me what I need. And they’d bristle at my silent demands.

Rich:  So this is hard.

Kori:  God, is it ever. I thought finding yourself, really finding yourself, was supposed to fix everything, but it’s put me in the middle of this terrible decision.

Rich:  And you’ve made your final decision?

Kori:  I have. I can’t not move forward. But it hurts and I don’t know how I’m going to say goodbye to these sweet people. I don’t want to hurt their feelings. I don’t want to lose them. I want them to stay in my life.

Rich:  What if you started by telling them that? What if you talked them through your decision? What if you let them feel the pain you’re in as you make this choice? Just be true instead of strategic.

Kori:  Yes, I like that. That’s what I needed to hear. I can take a breath again. I’ve been forgetting the relationship we have. We’ve been through five good years together. I need to make sure that when I tell them, we have plenty of time to talk this through so I can tell the whole story.

Rich:  You know, I’m not hearing judgments at all and judgements are what wreck relationships. I’m hearing so much caring that I can’t see how judgments could elbow into the conversations you’re going to have with them.

Kori:  Yes, if things get bumpy, I’ll keep coming back to my caring for them and ask them to come back to their caring for me. Okay, now I can see how to do this.

Rich:  And what would be the best outcome?

Kori:  If this goodbye deepened our relationship. If it’s better tomorrow because today we told the truth to each other about what we need. I’ve been worried about the exact words I’m going to say, but now that I’ve got the spirit, and the essence of my message to them, I see I don’t need a script because I know the words will come.

Rich:  And what’s next for you?

Kori:  Oh, I’m cooking that! I’ve launched my campaign. My friend Josie told me there’s going to be an opening next month where she works. So I’ve been pulling a switch. I’ve been coming into the office here on Saturdays, so I can have my Fridays to go work with Josie and her crew as a volunteer. I’m working with them on their biggest project.

Jerilyn, their ED, is getting to know me. She likes me so far. In another two weeks, she’s going to see me as indispensable. Then she won’t even post an announcement, she’ll just hire me. That’s my plan.

Rich:  I love seeing this aliveness in you.

Kori:  I have to have that.

Rich:  And why this place in particular?

Kori:  Because I want Jerilyn as my mentor. She treats people really well and, wow, does she ever have ambitions. She’s a program generator. They’ve tripled their budget since she came. And their work is relentlessly innovative. People are coming to them from around the country for training and inspiration.

And Josie’s right, I’ve seen it for myself, everyone on staff loves playing the biggest game they can.

Rich:  Your kind of place.

Kori:  My kind of place and my kind of people—for my future.